Damn it, this is a difficult month - coming to terms with my "new" identity and at the same time accepting all the events that happen in life as being "a part of" my new identity is causing an emotional crisis - a physical crisis even, as the pressure grows daily over my new found "non-beliefs" and my own actions.
Without anyone to answer to (no gods, no soul, no afterlife) I am having great problems controlling "myself". Yet as I have mentioned in my previous entry I also had an experience that goes totally against everything I am try to accomplish here. The conflict between what I have seen and what I want to be is just getting way out of control. I am moody and thoughtful and quiet one moment, and open and responsive and playful the next - it is confusing to the people with whom I work and even more confusing to me. My wife and daughter are also unsure - they are cautious and seem to avoid anything "suggestive and related" to my new idea. The moodiness comes from the fact that I am "reflecting" on recent experiences, but reflecting on them becomes mind boggling, psycho, distant, painful even, and so I bounce back as the opposite personality. I never, ever could have imagined, not with all my worldly experience (which is huge and wild - and not the norm) that I would be sitting here confessing to these problems.
Thankfully I can still maintain my objective in sight, yet the "pressure" against me to forget it all is huge - the pressure comes from the wife and daughter - "what is happening to daddy" they ask - the pressure comes from my business of which I am the owner - "why am I doing this?" - the pressure comes from the members of the public with whom I must face on a daily basis, I can see on their faces the words "this guy is a hard, mean bastard" - the pressure is there from me and directed against myself over my own actions - did I really do that? - did I really say that?
The truth is "yes I did"
It is not destiny, it is not fate, those words belong in the same category as god, religion, faith...
I have become overly aggressive - I try to remove the aggression by going to the gym and lifting weights - this seems to work but only temporally - but in the end what I am becoming is in fact a physically very strong and aggressive person... because I cannot remove the aggression. Last week I trained with weights for 3 hours outside in a heavy rainstorm as an attempt to "remove" the aggression...
Well as you guessed it didn't work - in fact it gave me a flu that I am still trying to get rid of today, some 2 weeks later. I trained again with my flu, but it didn't get rid of my flu - but I feel great physically - strong and healthy - but my mind is suffering terribly. I guess what we need is "weight training for the mind"
but since this doesn't exist yet I can only speculate about the idea.
Why "Under Pressure"?
I am surrounded by the reflections and attitudes of "beliefs, religion, dogma" etc.
My neighbours to the left are Mormons - my neighbours to the right are Catholic - both are annoying noisy and dirty hipocritical bastards that abuse their own beliefs - my working competition in this world are "god fearing" people (funny but are you afraid of the god you worship?) and over all this you have the political attitude of the country within which you live dominating attitudes... Don't believe me? Look at your country's national anthem - look at your country's major speeches (the USA - "In God We Trust" - Israel "The Promised Land") - look at what they teach you at school - Do you sing hymns? They are the worst case of religious/national/racist propaganda that exist...
Look at your traditions - Christmas - what is that really about - Easter, another... the list goes on and on and ever deeper into beliefs that are at best ridiculous...
Easter bunnies??? WTF?
Hallowean??? WTF?
Solstice??? WTF?
Friday 13th??? WTF?
Boxing Day??? WTF?
St. Patricks Day??? WTF?
April Fools Day??? WTF?
Do you acknowledge all those "events"? Do they have meaning? Are they real?
Well for me no, I have renounced them, but all you people that still believe in that shit YOU are also the cause of my pressure - so if you come around my office trying to sell me "chocolate easter eggs" I am going to tell you directly where you can stick your silly easter eggs...
If you come here for trick or treat I am going to tell where to stick your treats...
If you come here for Xmas gratification I am going to tell you what is gratifying...
Yes I have turned into an aggressive non-religious bastard... but then why are YOU invading my home, my work, my privacy, my intelligence, my family, with your absurd bullshit?
Am I wrong?
Are you prepared to fight against this tide of dirty waters?
I am - but dammit it is hard work... the ignorant are too ignorant to know that they are ignorant... and so they are trapped in a cycle of ignorancy - don't believe me? Then just try living in a second or third world country, as I do, and you will plainly see how ignorance feeds ignorance. Fine you say, but I am from UK, I am from USA, I am from Europe, we are not ignorant... The same applies only that the ignorancy rules are more complicated and therefore more easily hidden under intellectual rhetoric...
The first world dwellers are the most ignorant people alive, and it hurts me to say that because I am one of you - I am an american/european - but I have escaped from your shores and I can look back in anger over your attitudes - I can see you from afar with a clean eye... prosperity, cultural advance, wealth, are not in themselves "bad" things - what is bad is how you use those advantages, and to be honest the first world super powers have a pretty bad record...
Enough for today - too much pressure - I cannot cope with it all...
Sunday, 28 October 2007
Saturday, 27 October 2007
THE OBJECTS IN THE SKY INCIDENT
On this blog I have publicly renounced and denounced, all my beliefs in religion, UFO's, ghosts, spirits, Gods, the after life, etc, etc.
During the month of September, 2007 something happened that was to make me question once again "Life, The Universe, and Everything"... on the 14th of September something happened - to date I am totally "Gob Smacked" (to use an english expression of speechless)
On that date - 14th September at 9:20pm - I went outside the back of my office to smoke a cigarette, as I have done many, many times, every day throughout the years. From the patio at the back of my office every star is familiar, and the night sky always looks the same, boring even, but this particular night it was not the same...
This particular night there were two stationary bright points of light hovering in the night sky that were obviously not stars - they were not there the day/night before... in fact they were so "bright" and "obvious" that I ran back inside the office and dragged a member of the public (a girl) who was visiting at the time outside to witness what I was seeing...
As we both watched these bright elements in the night sky, the upper left element faded from view - and then moments later the second object - the lower right object - faded from view - I saw it - she saw it - there is no doubt about our eyesight.... we saw it... It was a clear night with no clouds, and the view is westward out over the atlantic ocean which is about 5 miles from my office. There is an airport nearby (about 20 miles away) - it's a small airport that does accept international flights, but the habits and flight patterns from the airport are very familiar to me. The lights we saw were not aircraft - I am familiar enough with aircraft (I used to work with aircraft as a designer at the BAE Aircraft company) to know that... and they were completely stationary yet "distant" - I would have to estimate that they were "at least" 50 miles distant - there was no sound, and the points of light were just too big to be a stars or planets - and they just faded into nothing... Satelites are frequently visible from the patio, but they move across the sky and are much smaller points of light.
The witness (the girl) has changed - she is not so friendly to me as she was before this experience although she continues to be a client. I have changed also - after all I don't believe in this stuff anymore - I have publicly stated that... but this experience is causing me some pretty huge conflicts.
So what on earth happened? The image below I created using PhotoPaint to illustrate what I/we saw... it shows the relative sizes and positions of the objects from our "urban" view point, and is in fact exactly what we saw - Click the image to see it full size
During the month of September, 2007 something happened that was to make me question once again "Life, The Universe, and Everything"... on the 14th of September something happened - to date I am totally "Gob Smacked" (to use an english expression of speechless)
On that date - 14th September at 9:20pm - I went outside the back of my office to smoke a cigarette, as I have done many, many times, every day throughout the years. From the patio at the back of my office every star is familiar, and the night sky always looks the same, boring even, but this particular night it was not the same...
This particular night there were two stationary bright points of light hovering in the night sky that were obviously not stars - they were not there the day/night before... in fact they were so "bright" and "obvious" that I ran back inside the office and dragged a member of the public (a girl) who was visiting at the time outside to witness what I was seeing...
As we both watched these bright elements in the night sky, the upper left element faded from view - and then moments later the second object - the lower right object - faded from view - I saw it - she saw it - there is no doubt about our eyesight.... we saw it... It was a clear night with no clouds, and the view is westward out over the atlantic ocean which is about 5 miles from my office. There is an airport nearby (about 20 miles away) - it's a small airport that does accept international flights, but the habits and flight patterns from the airport are very familiar to me. The lights we saw were not aircraft - I am familiar enough with aircraft (I used to work with aircraft as a designer at the BAE Aircraft company) to know that... and they were completely stationary yet "distant" - I would have to estimate that they were "at least" 50 miles distant - there was no sound, and the points of light were just too big to be a stars or planets - and they just faded into nothing... Satelites are frequently visible from the patio, but they move across the sky and are much smaller points of light.
The witness (the girl) has changed - she is not so friendly to me as she was before this experience although she continues to be a client. I have changed also - after all I don't believe in this stuff anymore - I have publicly stated that... but this experience is causing me some pretty huge conflicts.
So what on earth happened? The image below I created using PhotoPaint to illustrate what I/we saw... it shows the relative sizes and positions of the objects from our "urban" view point, and is in fact exactly what we saw - Click the image to see it full size
I explained to my wife what happened and showed her the picture of what I saw and basically she told me I must have been drinking, which was not true, but then I did manage to get the witness to say a few words to my wife, but the girl doesn't seem to like talking about the subject anymore.
So I am kinda confused - these things don't exist, I don't believe in UFO's, I publically stated that in this blog... so what on earth did we see?
There must be a rational explanation, right? Well to tell the truth it's been eating away at me that I simply cannot logically explain what I saw, and it seems that no one really believes me either - kinda makes me feel like Hale Berry in the film Gothika - I can see how someone could end up turning crazy over these kinds of things. And I can't seem to forget it either - every night I go out the back to the patio I am reminded again - every time I see the girl, a client, I am reminded again... every night I look to the same patch of sky...
I get the feeling that this is going to be tough to resolve...
I HAVE CHANGED - FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
About 3 months ago, in fact when I started this Blog as a means to "get things off my chest" as the saying goes, I never imagined that what has happened would happen. My rants and rages, mostly stupid, mostly random rage and outright arrogance is visible and certainly "annoying" to some and downright blasphemy to others...
Certainly I have made enemies and lost friends as a result of this blog - I ask myself frequently the question "Do you know what you are doing?"
The WORD is a powerful medium - now I can give real honest credit to that fact - even more so than pictures/images, videos, the WORD - well written, well placed - can change a nation... no... even more so.... it can change the world.
I don't have the WORD - there are many much better than me that have it - I search for it, I can see it, I can feel it, it is there - but I can't grasp it...
Damn this life - why does it have to be so painful - we all hurt, somewhere hidden away - the most famous, the richest, the poorest, the most beautiful and the most ugly - the human experience is a difficult one... I am sure that everyone on this planet has at some point asked the question "Why"
YOU who reads this - you are there, living with all these same questions, doubts, and uncertainties - I know you are there - my experiences of life from the cradle to the present time tells me you are there - can I reach out over the distances, the cultures, the attitudes, the blindness and touch you and say "Hey, you are not alone" ?
I would like to - but with human nature being so diverse "what is convenient" to you might not be convenient to me - and vice versa....
So I am left with this blog - I have changed so much since I renounced religion, UFO's, ghosts, spirits, and all the other junk - instead of saying "It is God's Will" I now say "It is our fault"
If some decision or experience in my present life turns out bad or causes me stress I now say "It my own fault"
Gone are the days when I could just brush situations away and say "It's Gods Will"
The first 3 months without religion or beliefs are/were difficult - I was without "control" - no one to answer to, no responsibility for my actions apart from myself - and myself was "greedy" - myself was "lustful" - myself was "me" - I felt I could do what I wanted and there was no "remorse" - no punishment - I felt like a predator without bounds, and all the people and situations that exist were mine for exploiting - I felt I could do what I wanted because I have no soul to worry about...
Damn it - how wrong I was....
Certainly I have made enemies and lost friends as a result of this blog - I ask myself frequently the question "Do you know what you are doing?"
The WORD is a powerful medium - now I can give real honest credit to that fact - even more so than pictures/images, videos, the WORD - well written, well placed - can change a nation... no... even more so.... it can change the world.
I don't have the WORD - there are many much better than me that have it - I search for it, I can see it, I can feel it, it is there - but I can't grasp it...
Damn this life - why does it have to be so painful - we all hurt, somewhere hidden away - the most famous, the richest, the poorest, the most beautiful and the most ugly - the human experience is a difficult one... I am sure that everyone on this planet has at some point asked the question "Why"
YOU who reads this - you are there, living with all these same questions, doubts, and uncertainties - I know you are there - my experiences of life from the cradle to the present time tells me you are there - can I reach out over the distances, the cultures, the attitudes, the blindness and touch you and say "Hey, you are not alone" ?
I would like to - but with human nature being so diverse "what is convenient" to you might not be convenient to me - and vice versa....
So I am left with this blog - I have changed so much since I renounced religion, UFO's, ghosts, spirits, and all the other junk - instead of saying "It is God's Will" I now say "It is our fault"
If some decision or experience in my present life turns out bad or causes me stress I now say "It my own fault"
Gone are the days when I could just brush situations away and say "It's Gods Will"
The first 3 months without religion or beliefs are/were difficult - I was without "control" - no one to answer to, no responsibility for my actions apart from myself - and myself was "greedy" - myself was "lustful" - myself was "me" - I felt I could do what I wanted and there was no "remorse" - no punishment - I felt like a predator without bounds, and all the people and situations that exist were mine for exploiting - I felt I could do what I wanted because I have no soul to worry about...
Damn it - how wrong I was....
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Suspended boy shoots 4 at Ohio school
Yet another - like duh, are americans born stupid or do they just turn out that way for their bad education...
How many more die in school shootings this month Mr. President? Even your own damned useless police personnel are busy shooting and killing people - anyone over there see the message here???
I am annoyed - annoyed that these shootings continue - my anger is really directed at the perpetrators, and the seeming lack of a solution - I am not against Americans, what I am against is their gun culture that has a direct bearing on the loss of innocent lives... kids are killed whilst at school ??? What the hell is that ???
"In God We Trust" - I think you need a new god, the one you currently believe in is a twisted masochist...
To the victims and families of these kinds of crimes, I would like to express my sincere and deep horror and shock, but I feel my words would be too weak and clumsy to really and truthfully express my feelings in a way that might help...
My family are Americans... I am not, by my own decision and choice - but why is violence increasing ??? We all have more, and know more, than our parents ever did - shouldn't that make us all somewhat smarter ??? Well I guess not, and it's not just the U.S. either - reading the daily world news is more a test of "How Strong Is Your Stomach Today". Pakistan - hundreds killed and maimed by what seems 2 suicide bombers, and you can be sure that the injuries caused by those kinds of attacks are pretty horrific... damn - I have no answer....
How many more die in school shootings this month Mr. President? Even your own damned useless police personnel are busy shooting and killing people - anyone over there see the message here???
I am annoyed - annoyed that these shootings continue - my anger is really directed at the perpetrators, and the seeming lack of a solution - I am not against Americans, what I am against is their gun culture that has a direct bearing on the loss of innocent lives... kids are killed whilst at school ??? What the hell is that ???
"In God We Trust" - I think you need a new god, the one you currently believe in is a twisted masochist...
To the victims and families of these kinds of crimes, I would like to express my sincere and deep horror and shock, but I feel my words would be too weak and clumsy to really and truthfully express my feelings in a way that might help...
My family are Americans... I am not, by my own decision and choice - but why is violence increasing ??? We all have more, and know more, than our parents ever did - shouldn't that make us all somewhat smarter ??? Well I guess not, and it's not just the U.S. either - reading the daily world news is more a test of "How Strong Is Your Stomach Today". Pakistan - hundreds killed and maimed by what seems 2 suicide bombers, and you can be sure that the injuries caused by those kinds of attacks are pretty horrific... damn - I have no answer....
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