UNDER PRESSURE

Damn it, this is a difficult month - coming to terms with my "new" identity and at the same time accepting all the events that happen in life as being "a part of" my new identity is causing an emotional crisis - a physical crisis even, as the pressure grows daily over my new found "non-beliefs" and my own actions.

Without anyone to answer to (no gods, no soul, no afterlife) I am having great problems controlling "myself". Yet as I have mentioned in my previous entry I also had an experience that goes totally against everything I am try to accomplish here. The conflict between what I have seen and what I want to be is just getting way out of control. I am moody and thoughtful and quiet one moment, and open and responsive and playful the next - it is confusing to the people with whom I work and even more confusing to me. My wife and daughter are also unsure - they are cautious and seem to avoid anything "suggestive and related" to my new idea. The moodiness comes from the fact that I am "reflecting" on recent experiences, but reflecting on them becomes mind boggling, psycho, distant, painful even, and so I bounce back as the opposite personality. I never, ever could have imagined, not with all my worldly experience (which is huge and wild - and not the norm) that I would be sitting here confessing to these problems.

Thankfully I can still maintain my objective in sight, yet the "pressure" against me to forget it all is huge - the pressure comes from the wife and daughter - "what is happening to daddy" they ask - the pressure comes from my business of which I am the owner - "why am I doing this?" - the pressure comes from the members of the public with whom I must face on a daily basis, I can see on their faces the words "this guy is a hard, mean bastard" - the pressure is there from me and directed against myself over my own actions - did I really do that? - did I really say that?

The truth is "yes I did"

It is not destiny, it is not fate, those words belong in the same category as god, religion, faith...

I have become overly aggressive - I try to remove the aggression by going to the gym and lifting weights - this seems to work but only temporally - but in the end what I am becoming is in fact a physically very strong and aggressive person... because I cannot remove the aggression. Last week I trained with weights for 3 hours outside in a heavy rainstorm as an attempt to "remove" the aggression...

Well as you guessed it didn't work - in fact it gave me a flu that I am still trying to get rid of today, some 2 weeks later. I trained again with my flu, but it didn't get rid of my flu - but I feel great physically - strong and healthy - but my mind is suffering terribly. I guess what we need is "weight training for the mind"
but since this doesn't exist yet I can only speculate about the idea.

Why "Under Pressure"?

I am surrounded by the reflections and attitudes of "beliefs, religion, dogma" etc.

My neighbours to the left are Mormons - my neighbours to the right are Catholic - both are annoying noisy and dirty hipocritical bastards that abuse their own beliefs - my working competition in this world are "god fearing" people (funny but are you afraid of the god you worship?) and over all this you have the political attitude of the country within which you live dominating attitudes... Don't believe me? Look at your country's national anthem - look at your country's major speeches (the USA - "In God We Trust" - Israel "The Promised Land") - look at what they teach you at school - Do you sing hymns? They are the worst case of religious/national/racist propaganda that exist...

Look at your traditions - Christmas - what is that really about - Easter, another... the list goes on and on and ever deeper into beliefs that are at best ridiculous...

Easter bunnies??? WTF?

Hallowean??? WTF?

Solstice??? WTF?

Friday 13th??? WTF?

Boxing Day??? WTF?

St. Patricks Day??? WTF?

April Fools Day??? WTF?

Do you acknowledge all those "events"? Do they have meaning? Are they real?

Well for me no, I have renounced them, but all you people that still believe in that shit YOU are also the cause of my pressure - so if you come around my office trying to sell me "chocolate easter eggs" I am going to tell you directly where you can stick your silly easter eggs...

If you come here for trick or treat I am going to tell where to stick your treats...

If you come here for Xmas gratification I am going to tell you what is gratifying...

Yes I have turned into an aggressive non-religious bastard... but then why are YOU invading my home, my work, my privacy, my intelligence, my family, with your absurd bullshit?

Am I wrong?

Are you prepared to fight against this tide of dirty waters?

I am - but dammit it is hard work... the ignorant are too ignorant to know that they are ignorant... and so they are trapped in a cycle of ignorancy - don't believe me? Then just try living in a second or third world country, as I do, and you will plainly see how ignorance feeds ignorance. Fine you say, but I am from UK, I am from USA, I am from Europe, we are not ignorant... The same applies only that the ignorancy rules are more complicated and therefore more easily hidden under intellectual rhetoric...

The first world dwellers are the most ignorant people alive, and it hurts me to say that because I am one of you - I am an american/european - but I have escaped from your shores and I can look back in anger over your attitudes - I can see you from afar with a clean eye... prosperity, cultural advance, wealth, are not in themselves "bad" things - what is bad is how you use those advantages, and to be honest the first world super powers have a pretty bad record...

Enough for today - too much pressure - I cannot cope with it all...